How to Look Like a Supermodel

How do they do it? Their perfectly trimmed arms and suspiciously bodacious butts make most girls sigh at their own reflection, but I am here to reveal their secrets. No, I will not tell you that water with cayenne pepper is the best way to lose 5 pounds or that 24.3 is the perfect amont of sit-ups to start your day with. Instead, I am going to try it. I am going to attempt those sought-after celebrity work-outs, beauty secrets and diets. My intention though is not to give you the best way to lose the weight you want, though you may find one, but instead to help women realize WHY it really is impossible for us women to look like supermodels. Supermodels have one job: to look good. Most women have jobs, families, friends and numerous other responsibilities that require us to go, go, go. SO how are we supposed to work out for 3 hours and cook chicken with sage and calliflower fake mashed potatoes for our meals? I'm not really sure. But I will try and hopefully will all get a sigh of relief rather than desperation.

Ah, stress eating. The idea that somehow filling our mouths and gut with sugar and fat will solve our problems. Ya know what? For the 3 minutes I’m indulging, it does. And then I realize that’s just going to make me fatter and I feel worse, so… I grab another cookie, cause that’ll solve it.

If you are a cross-fit cult member, I congratulate you. You are one badass motherfucker. And I GENUINELY mean that. I tried cross-fit once and I ended up hating everyone in that room before the end of every class. Except the girl who was slightly more out of shape than me. I was thankful for her. When people begin to pity me she quickly took the spotlight of my inability to jump rope… I’m serious, 3 rotations and I’m tripping like a kid on mushrooms for the first time. Well, seeing as I can’t cut it (nor afford it) in a cross-fit gym I decided to make a plan of my own. I was inspired by the 30-day challenges I see on Pinterest all the time. Seems completely attainable and, yet, just challenging enough. Wrong. For instance, the squats challenge: you start out with 50 squats on the first day. Ok ok. I got that. Somehow in 30 days out are supposed to be able to bust out 250 SQUATS… in ONE night! What kind of transformer-hulk mega super hero do you think I am?!

30 Day Squat Challenge

Pfffttt…. So I said, “OK, let’s adjust these numbers and add a few other exercises.” Like tricep dips, and a plank…. and some push-ups (I’ve always wanted to bust out like 50 at once and just look like a boss), Oh we aren’t done, lunges and wall-sit. Then I decided I should keep my heart rate-up between exercises and added 5 sets of 20 jumping jacks. BUT I am supposed to be training for a half marathon too… so let’s tack on some miles. After my stack of brilliant ideas was added together my first day looked like this:

2 miles

20 lunges

20 jumping jacks

20 tricep dips

20 jumping jacks

30 squats

20 jumping jacks

5 push-ups

20 jumping jacks

30 sec wall sit

20 jumping jacks

30 sec plank

Sounds easy right? Almost sad, 5 push-ups? I thought I was giving myself a buffer… Nope. I really suck that much. So I did day one yesterday and felt good. Sore this morning but could still walk fine, didn’t look like I just hopped off Black Beauty after a 3 hour ride (it’s a horse, get your mind out of the gutter). Did day 2 today and started rethinking this. I checked out day 30….. (add in the jumping jacks yourself - those aren’t even the scary part)

6.5 miles

175 squats

152 lunges

130 tricep dips

50 push ups

2 min 30 sec wall sit

2 min plank

YEAH SARA, SO MUCH EASIER THAN PINTEREST. Fuck me. and where did I think I would have time for this? Day 30 is going to take me 2 days to get done alone. I better get ripped. Which won’t happen because it’s only 30 days. Still not sure how I will pull this off. Guess we will find out together. Make sure to tune-in for fat kid cross-fit.

So. I haven’t worked out for a week. I had In-n-out for lunch yesterday and Taco Bell at 2am. I think that means my voyage to the land of bikinis and crop tops is failing. The big issue I am having is my motivation stay consistent. I go for a week of greens, egg whites and squats and then a week of binging on Halloween candy and drinking wine on my couch with my roommates (the latter is much more fun FYI). I’m not sure how break it. I feel like I keep hitting an ice berg. I don’t even think I would float on a stray piece of my ship. Both Jack and I would freeze and drown because of my fat ass.  

Well HELLO! I am writing you after a 4 day binge of partying and cleaning and not working out… Spent Thursday handing out candy and prepping for my Halloween party, Friday was the party, Saturday was spent cleaning and being hung over… and Sunday was spent doing more cleaning. No excuses for Saturday and Sunday, I should have made it happen. And I failed. I actually lost two pounds last week…. and I am sure I gained them all back… considering I lived off of powdered donuts and cheese and crackers during the weekend…. Don’t judge… ok, you can; I’m judging myself a little too. I didn’t even get on the scale this morning because I was sure it would lead to the lowering of my self esteem. In fact, thinking about the fact that I am sure those four days negated all the hard work I put in is already bringing me down. I ate dinner when I got home instead of going to the gym first because I was pretty hungry. So this is me letting my food settle before I hit the treadmill. I am going to ask my mother to sign me up for the Grand Canyon half marathon in May for my Christmas present! That’s how I did it last time, working towards a race. It’s a great goal. Right now my goal is to get off this couch by 8… and that’s a pretty intense one too

Well, my scale, Stacey, gave me quite a nice treat to start my journey with. I got on the scale to see the number 170.6. Considering I expected that to be about 4 pounds higher, I’ll take it. But, alas, Stacey is a conniving son of a gun and, I know, will change her tune tomorrow.

But I did go to the gym tonight! Yippie! Did 30 minutes on the elliptical and then bench press (69 lbs, 3 sets of 8), squats (69 lbs, 3 sets of 10) and 20 girl push-ups. I never know what weights to do or what an “arms day” would consist of and always end up just picking random things to do and calling it a work out.

Food-wise today was not so good. Started out strong with two eggs and two pieces of whole wheat toast… then my manager treated us to bagels…. and I might have had a jalapeño cheese bagel… with cream cheese. Yikes. Then lunch was a schwarma wrap… I dunno, a greek thing. Ate half for lunch and half for dinner. So kinda shitty food day, could be worse though I guess.

"Oh HELLO! Nice to see you! Its been awhile, welcome back…. to being FAT." Unfortunately, that is how Stacey (my scale) has been greeting me lately.  I know it’s been a while since I have written and updated you all on my progress… that’s because there hasn’t been any. It’s been a reverse trend and I have actually avoided that scale for the last 3 days… Yeah, that’s the pattern I’ve resorted to… A year ago I left you at about 161… and the last time I weighed myself I was somewhere around 174. Ouch. But since then I have been promoted, resorting in 60 hour work weeks and exhaustion, which only follows along the theme of this whole blog: How are we supposed to do it!?

Work alone consumes 90% of my life, and I firmly believe in a social life, don’t forget keeping up the house and other chores (which, if you know me, that is exactly what I do: “forget” to clean my room… or car… or anything for that matter). “In a two-year Australian study, women in the workforce were more likely to gain weight than those who weren’t employed. And the more hours they worked, the more weight the ladies put on.” Sounds about right. I’ve been trying to battle it but the last thing I wanna do after a long day strutting around the office in heels is lace up the Nikes and hop out the door for a 3 mile run. I’ve been trying the last few weeks but only made it to about 3 days working out a week… if I’m lucky. But it’s impossible when I’m clocking more hours in a week than most people do in two weeks. Let’s run through my Monday to give you an idea:

I set the alarm at 6:20am, got up about 6:40, ran around like a maniac because I snoozed the alarm twice. Made it to the office at 7:30. Worked till 6:30pm, drove to another office for a training till 8pm and then got home about 8:30pm and had to get up at 5:15am on Tuesday. Couldn’t find the energy to cruise down to the gym at that point.

Welcome to my life. But I can’t find the strength to accept my body where it is so I am in this constant turmoil between exhaustion/hating my body and exercising/taking the steps to being a healthy and happy weight. It’s pretty rough on your self esteem when you can’t pull your jeans over your thighs. In fact, I needed black shorts the other day so I went to Forever 21 and none of them fit. At all. It was terrible. So in desperation I went across the way to a plus size store and I didn’t fit in their smallest pair. Too big for Forever and too small for plus-sized. What’s a girl to do?

SO Welcome Back it is. But also, Welcome Back to the elliptical, weights push-ups, running and sore, tired muscles. Cheers.

 

Here’s that study if you want to read it:

http://www.nature.com/ijo/journal/v37/n5/full/ijo201292a.html

Vegan enchiladas! So good!

Well…started the week at 161.4 and ended this morning at 159.2, that’s 2.3 pounds this week! Unfortunately I did not make it to day 7 of yoga :( The boyfriend planned a wonderful date for us at the La Brea Tar Pits and we had an awesome vegan dinner in West Hollywood. BUT his phone broke last night and it took him 2 hours this morning to get a new one so we had a
late start and would have had to cut our date short for me to make it to the restorative class, which was the last one of the night. So I’m a little bummed I didn’t make it 7 days straight but I’ve been SO sore the last two days that I think it’s best. Might try to see if I can do 6 days straight again next week! Onward!

159.2, me gusta! I’d love to break into 158 by Monday buuut were going to the bars tonight…Eeeek. Beer = empty calories. Hey, still gotta have a life.

Today was day 6 of yoga! By the end of class I felt genuinely fatigued. 4 out of those 6 days were half cycling classes so I’ve really been working it. Imagine if I hadn’t eaten those cupcakes… :/

I think we should have the ability to take back one thing we ate during the day…like that second cupcake I just ate…I’d like to take that back. Or like “ghost calories,” you 300 “ghost calories” which are calories that don’t exist (I just made this up). Doesn’t that sound great?

Weighed in this morning at 159.4 but I am sure my two cupcakes made that null and void. Went to yoga last night- that’s 4 days in a row! Doing good!

Was having a rough day and feelin off so my manager was kind and took me out to lunch. Got a taco salad and then we got….McFlurrys!!!! Ekkkk. Epic fail! But I was in a better mood after ;)